Ahh, closure

Those close to me know that near the end of my career at Patricia Field, I was so depressed that I was basically catatonic on the weekends, recovering from the work week and mentally preparing for the next. I was so sad. Before I quit, I had to resolve that I was OK if I never went to another faaabulous party or fashion show ever again. By the end of working there I didn’t even have the energy to go to that stuff anyway.

Feb. 2010, I had worked an extremely long day managing interns to set-up a big event, lost my phone at the party, got a new phone, slept for a little while, and was in a taxi on my way back to break-down the party early the next morning. I was already very ready to snap, and my boss called me, yelled at me, and I yelled back at him, quitting my job, and told the taxi driver to turn around and take me back to where he picked me up from- Home.

I didn’t even go to the office to turn in my key, I just mailed it. I could not stomach walking in there again, and I knew things might get volatile. I sank down in my bed and thought “oh my god, what have I done?” but I also felt better about my self-image immediately. I remembered that I’m pretty and not-fat, and knew I was out of the fast lane of fashion, but I would be OK in civilian life. I turned off my cell phone for 3 days because I was scared of the voicemails that piled up. I never listened to them. I just deleted them.

Now it’s two years later and I did the unthinkable. On Sunday, I went to a Pat Field party and it was fine. I spoke to my old boss, but not Pat herself, and it was a nice exchange. I saw a few old co-workers and that was nice too. Malaika went with me. I’m really happy that we were so dressed-down. Getting dressed for work was really stressful my entire time working there. I didn’t remind Malaika that we were going to drop by this event, because I didn’t want her to worry about her outfit. It felt liberating to be so casual. It’s like I’m not of this world anymore and I feel fine in my Sunday casual get-up in front of you.

The following is one of the first stories I tell people about my time working there. On my first day, I was such a plain, white girl. Some of my co-workers didn’t even look at me, I looked so boring and I knew it- Just like Anne’s character in The Devil Wears Prada. On like, day 3 or 5, I wore a contrived outfit that involved a vintage apron. This outfit was praised by one of the super-stylish people who hadn’t even looked at me all week. I realized that I had to dress to get respect. This is why getting dressed was stressful every day for the duration of working there. Even casual all-black outfits were easy but I would do a full face of make-up.

I’m really thankful I got to work for Patricia Field and the immensely creative people who work for her because it really did help me get the New York experience of my dreams, and I did learn so much - even though I was defeated by it at the end.

I’m happy I went to this event because I think it gave me closure. Me and Malaika had one drink and left. We had to ride our bicycles home. The event took place at 230 5th Avenue, which is the largest rooftop bar in NYC that I am aware of. I'm also really proud that I never let anyone see my cry while I worked there, even though one time I had to hold it in until I got in a taxi. I slammed the door, blurted out my address, hunkered-down and bawled my eyes out.